Real Estate Jokes
Some online real estate jokes to help cheer you up while waiting for your escrow to close!
Jokes and Real Estate Humor
– 50 Things You Can Learn from the Movies..cuz in the movies…
1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
3. The ventilation system of any building is an ideal hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you there -plus you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. After waking from a nightmare you will sit bolt upright and pant.
5. You can always park directly outside any building you are visiting -even if you are in a busy city like New York, Chicago or Los Angeles.
6. Your cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
9. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
10. All bombs have with electronic timing devices featuring large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
12. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.
13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.
14. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.
15. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite.
16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
19. Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.
20. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.
21. All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second.
22. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.
23. Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.
24. No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.
25. There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.
26. No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times.
27. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes.
28. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
29. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.
30. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings — especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
32. Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in midair for no apparent reason.
33. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
34. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
36. Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance.
37. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
38. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
39. An electric fence that’s powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
40. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
41. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
42. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
43. If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you.
44. All writers are wealthy; all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting and have large attractive well-lit loft studios.
45. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
46. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
47. If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won’t happen.
48. If there is a large bump in a downhill road, a speeding car will fly over it and hit the ground in shower of sparks. Unsecured passengers will not be injured, and no tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur. The car will then execute a sharp turn involving a skid.
49. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.
50. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.
Real Estate Joke #1: Some Things You’ll Probably NEVER Hear a Redneck from [imwb_cgt_cityName] Say
I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won’t fix that.
Come to think of it I’ll have a Heineken.
We don’t keep firearms in this house.
You can’t feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup…it’s not safe.
Professional wrasslin’s fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Do you think my hair is too big?
I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.
Give me the small bag of porkrinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak or I won’t eat it!
The tires on that truck are too big.
I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I’ve got it all on floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes MUCH better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee is registered at Tiffany.
I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey here’s an episode of Hee Haw we haven’t seen.
I don’t have a favorite college football team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Real Estate Joke #2: Two Old Ladies in Church
One leans over to the other and says, “I think my butt is asleep.” The other replies, “Yeah, I could hear it snoring a few minutes ago.”
Real Estate Joke #3: An Older Gentleman
An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a crumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”
Real Estate Joke for [imwb_cgt_cityName] Women: Five Keys to a Great Relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn’t lie.
4. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
REAL ESTATE JOKE #5 Common Real Estate Terms from [imwb_cgt_cityName]
Here is what the newspaper real estate ads from [imwb_cgt_cityName] say… and what they really mean…
* SOPHISTICATED [imwb_cgt_cityName] CITY LIVING – Next to a noisy bar.
* OLD WORLD CHARM – Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
* CONTEMPORARY FEELING – Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
* CLOSE TO LAKES – Impossible to park from April to October.
* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN – Previous owner removed supporting walls.
* SECURITY SYSTEM – Neighbor has a dog.
* NEEDS TLC – Major structural damage.
* UPDATED KITCHEN – Sink no longer overflows.
* MOTIVATED REAL ESTATE SELLER – Has been on the market for 14 years.
* CONVENIENT LOCATION – Located on or near a busy freeway entrance ramp.
* MINT CONDITION – Someone has spilled a minty mouthwash on the carpet.
* NEUTRAL DECOR – No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.
* MOVE IN CONDITION – Front door missing.
* COZY – No room larger than 6 x 6.
* LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM – Ping Pong table over sewer opening.
* LIGHT OPEN SPACES – Many holes in walls and ceiling.
* OUTSTANDING – Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
* A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES – Dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and hip boots.
* BOX ROOM – Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes … folded.
* COMPACT – Tiny.
* COUNTRY GENTLEMAN’S RESIDENCE – Has lots of rodents and other such agricultural tenants.
* DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE – It looks terrible.
* DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION – In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
* EASILY MAINTAINED – Has dry landscaping that makes the Mojave desert look moist.
* EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED – Former owner had a breakdown under the strain.
* FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST – Grounds that look like a jungle.
* LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE – Property is about to be condemned.
* MUCH SOUGHT AFTER – It’s been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
* OWNER EAGER TO SELL – because the frightening biker tenants refuse to leave or pay rent.
* QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING – Near local landfill or proposed sewage facility.
* RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY – No one else wants it.
* SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD – Very expensive
* SOLD – Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.
* SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS – They have just discovered death watch beetle.
* UNSPOILED – Planning permission granted for field next door.
* UNUSUAL FEATURES – No roof.
* UNUSUAL LOCATION – In the path of a projected motorway.
* USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS – No inside toilet.
* WELL SITUATED – In full view of the neighbors.
* WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF – Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.
REAL ESTATE JOKE: EXTRACTS FROM ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO VARIOUS HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS THROUGHOUT THE UK
“I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”
“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”
“Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”
“I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.”
“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.”
“Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.”
“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.”
“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
“Will you please send a man to look at my water – it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
“I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.”
“The man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.”
“Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.”
“I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”
“Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”
“I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”
“My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.”
“He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.”
Funny Real Estate Joke about Exercise?
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 now & we don’t know where the heck she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
5) I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10) I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.